


Point Of No Return

by Selenic



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Future Fic, M/M, Pining, Sentient Atlantis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-31
Updated: 2013-08-31
Packaged: 2017-12-25 04:55:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/948862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Selenic/pseuds/Selenic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em>Something wasn't right.</em> Rodney felt it in his gut.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Point Of No Return

**Author's Note:**

> This was my entry for the last [McShep Match](http://mcshep-match.livejournal.com/). It was my first time participating, and I am happy, and honored, that I got this chance. I want to thank my two super wonderful betas, [Reddwarfer](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Reddwarfer) and [Mizufae](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Mizufae), who helped me makes this troublesome fic better than I though it would be. Finishing the story was truly hard work, and I couldn't have done it without them, or their support. All remaining mistakes are totally mine ^_^
> 
> I would also like to thank my lovely Team Fine co-members [aadarshinah](http://archiveofourown.org/users/aadarshinah), [hyperfocused](http://archiveofourown.org/users/HYPERFocused), and [lilyleia78](http://archiveofourown.org/users/lilyleia78) who helped me while I was developing the idea, and cheered me on, it meant a lot to me. And of course everyone who made the match possible, and everyone who took part in any way. McShep Match was an amazing experience thanks to you *hugs everyone*
> 
> Crossposted [on LJ](http://selenic76.livejournal.com/16567.html)

 

Point Of No Return

 

_Something wasn’t right._

Rodney felt it in his gut. As much as he hated taking advice from it in matters not concerning nutrition, Rodney couldn’t overlook the fact that his brain tried to agree. Walking briskly out of the meeting with Woolsey, Rodney couldn’t get the thought out of his head. Radek and Woolsey could discuss the details of their situation further; Rodney had done his part and excused himself, leaving the voices behind as he hurried along the corridor, clutching the laptop to his chest.

They were only a week away from heading back to the Pegasus galaxy; according to the reports from different sections, almost all the critical systems had been repaired, checked and double checked. So far they had managed to stay cloaked, and thus invisible to the general public, but it was a risk they couldn’t take for much longer; Atlantis was old, and not a day went by that some system or another didn’t threaten to break down completely.

But amidst the seemingly random occurrences of wear and tear, there was a pattern emerging that worried Rodney. So far he’d been unable to pinpoint the source of his anxiety, but it had something to do with their list or repairs. Lost in his thoughts, Rodney almost didn’t hear John call out to him.

“Hey, wait up!” he shouted and ran up to Rodney. Matching Rodney’s pace, John walked beside him in silence. “Everything alright, buddy?” he asked after a while.

Rodney slowly registered John’s presence, and eventually their feet came to a halt and he turned to face John, whose expression was one of genuine concern. It warmed Rodney’s heart in a way he wished it didn’t, so he swiftly pushed the feeling aside.

“Something’s wrong,” he said in a low voice, and John’s frown deepened.

“Wrong how?” he immediately asked quietly, glancing around to make sure the hallway was clear. “And how seriously?”

“I’m not sure yet,” Rodney was forced to reply. “It’s just—a gut feeling.” The suspicious look John gave him didn’t really surprise him. “Yes, yes, I know. I don’t usually listen to something as unreliable as the twinges of my internal organs when gathering information, but I’m telling you, something is not right, and it’s got my stomach in knots. I’ve hardly eaten anything since lunch...” As if to prove a point, the aforementioned organ decided to growl embarrassingly loud. 

“I believe you, Rodney,” John assured him, and only the slightest hint of a smile moved the corners of his mouth. “You’ll figure it out,” he said and rested his hand on Rodney’s arm for a moment. It shouldn’t have felt as good as it did. “And I’ll help. I trust your gut, even if you don’t,” John told him, and at least some of Rodney’s anxiety disappeared with hearing the sureness of his voice.

“Fine, but can we at least feed it first? After that I think my brain might be persuaded to co-operate too.” This time John smiled, but Rodney noticed that it didn’t quite reach up to his eyes. It meant that he was worried too.

“Come on, let’s get you something to eat,” he said, and started to walk down the hallway. “And then you can explain what brought this on.” Rodney’s stomach approved of John’s plan, so he followed.

 

~~~

 

“So you think someone is doing it on purpose?” John inquired, and couldn’t help but feel oddly at home in the back of the puddlejumper, sitting on the bench and watching Rodney hastily destroy the last of the turkey sandwich MRE. He wondered if they’d ever sit together like this again; he knew what Jennifer had decided, but with Rodney John didn’t dare to hazard a guess. John knew Atlantis held a power over the scientist that few things could compete with, a feeling which John shared.

They’d opted for a less populated location than the mess hall, wanting to keep things under wraps until they had a clearer idea about what was going on—and a meal more easily portable, obtained from John’s secret comfort food stash. Well, not so secret anymore, but John didn’t mind. The rise in blood sugar had helped Rodney in formulating a slightly more precise theory.

“Yes, I do,” Rodney said after he had finished and taken a sip of water. He still sounded worried, but also a little excited. The guy loved puzzles that challenged his deductive abilities. “Look here,” Rodney continued as he put down the water bottle and picked up his laptop. “This is a list of know sites in need of some kind of repair, prioritized by urgency—” He changed sides and sat next to John, so they could share the view of the screen. “—and the ones I have marked in red are the suspicious ones.” Rodney pointed some of them out. They were mostly in the lower end of the list, but there were a few that rose a little higher.

“And they differ from the others how?” John asked, his gaze wandering from the lines on the screen to Rodney’s hand. The feeling of proximity was nothing they hadn’t experienced before, but lately it had acquired a new edge that John found unnerving. He wanted so badly to confront Rodney about the future, but like every time within the last few months, his mouth wouldn’t obey.

“Outwardly, not significantly enough to be distinguishable from all the damage our less then perfect landing produced, not to mention everything accumulated before that,” Rodney said a little regretfully, probably unsatisfied that he hadn’t cracked the whole mystery yet. “But they share some similar qualities, like approximate minimum distance from the central spire, and a location within an unguarded area that is yet within range of functioning sensors so the damage will be reported by them—as well as appearing to be more serious than they are.” Then he turned his eyes to John, forcing him to look back. The puzzled and amazed expression was one he had seen a thousand times, yet now it caught his breath and raised his pulse. Why did it affect him so differently now that each time might be the last?

“But the fact is, they present no danger to Atlantis or the expedition,” Rodney added almost gleefully. “None whatsoever!” He held John’s gaze, but the longer they remained silent the more it changed. The hand holding the computer slowly fell, until the machine lay on his lap. Rodney’s brow furrowed ever so slightly, and John knew that look too, the one Rodney got when his mind wavered between two decisions. “They just add to the list,” he continued, words falling out of his mouth in hesitantly. “Without actually causing any harm, making it seem like there’s...” 

It was just the tiniest spark, a split second of pure longing in those blue eyes, but for John it seemed like time had stopped. He wanted to kiss Rodney, hold him, could already feel his body begin to lean towards the other man’s warmth. And then it was over.

“...more to do than there really is, delaying our departure,” Rodney finished in a babbling rush and quickly stood up. “I, uh, I have to be somewhere, I’ll give you an update when I have more information.” And then he just turned around and strode out, leaving John alone with his confused thoughts. His body failed him again, keeping John rooted to the bench instead of running after Rodney’s fleeing figure.

 

~~~

 

“Five minutes Dr. McKay,” Chuck’s voice announced over the radio.

“Copy,” Rodney replied curtly while removing his shoes, trying to catch his breath after running most of the way to his quarters. He’d lost track of time, sitting there with John like they always had; wrapped up in the discussion, and the enjoyable company of someone to whom you weren’t just the resident genius, but also a friend.

He didn’t bother to turn on the lights in his room. The shadowing silence felt soothing, easing his mind at least a little, but his heart still beat like crazy, and not just from the running.

He’d been so close to kissing John.

“I must be out of my mind,” Rodney complained aloud. He could still see the image of John in front of him, watching him so keenly, could almost feel his nearness... “I really don’t need this right now.” 

Rodney walked over to his desk in the near darkness, and placed his laptop standing on it before taking off his jacket too and throwing it on the bed. He knew he would just be wasting his time dreaming about John; Rodney had seen they way the guy responded to women, human or not so human. He’d also be wasting a future he already had waiting for him with Jennifer, and it was about time the universe gave Rodney a break from all the misery and world saving.

Yet the closer the date of the City’s departure came, the more anxious and restless Rodney felt.

“Dr. McKay?” Chuck called out again. “A private communications line is open for you, audio and visual.” Rodney sighed with relief.

“Patch it through,” Rodney commanded. “I’m ready.” He lit the small lamp on his desk, and it circled him with enough light to make him visible to the camera.

“Copy,” Chuck said, and after a second the smiling but very weary face of Jennifer appeared. Rodney felt happy and relieved to see her nonetheless.

“Hey there,” she said happily, but immediately had to stifle a yawn. “Sorry, still a bit jetlagged I suppose.” Rodney smiled back, and took a moment just to look at Jennifer. He really didn’t deserve her.

“How’s your father?” he remembered to ask, even though there were a million other things he wanted to talk about. Just not over a distance.

“He’s getting older, but otherwise he’s fine,” Jennifer said, and it was easy to see that she was still concerned about the old man. “Not much has changed over here, even my old room seems to be the way I left it.” What little Rodney could see of the room certainly didn’t seem to belong to a woman, but more to a young girl. An inquiring look crossed Jennifer’s face. “How are things over there?”

“Still the same, working my ass off to fix everything Carson’s landing this thing broke,” he attempted to reply casually. The explanation didn’t appear to satisfy Jennifer, whose expression took on a deeply pondering look.

“You’re such a lousy liar, Rodney,” she finally sighed, shaking her head. And she was right.

“I’m sorry, Jennifer,” Rodney apologized. “Something’s come up, nothing serious, I just can’t talk about it until we’re face to face,” It was almost true, which is probably why Jennifer didn’t press the matter further, despite clearly remaining suspicious. Rodney wasn’t even sure how to tell her, or if he even could. Not about the list, but about John. 

He wanted to be honest with her, and had repeatedly tried to bring the subject up with Jennifer, but so far had never quite managed to get the words “I think I’m in love with John” out of his mouth. He wasn’t actually lying to her, but it felt just as bad.

“Alright then, let’s talk about things that don’t require security clearances,” Jennifer announced with determined cheeriness. “I’ll start by saying how much I’ve missed you, then you can say the same, and we’ll take it from there.”

“Sounds doable,” Rodney smiled and agreed. He put aside his worries for the moment and tried to behave like a man in love instead of a confused genius.

 

~~~

 

John tossed and turned on his bed in the dark, unable to sleep. Atlantis hummed around him, and John could sense a soothing touch in his mind, but even that offered no consolation. He was angry at himself, for missing his chance in the puddlejumper. He had always felt something for Rodney, John would be a fool to deny it; but he had always managed to convince himself it was nothing more than a passing infatuation, or simply the very human desire to be close to someone in a place of danger. 

Now he couldn’t understand how for so many years he’d felt content with how things had been, being just friends and nothing more. It was an odd friendship, and John would be the first to admit it, but also strong one. He couldn’t even count all the times they had relied on each other in times of dread, sorrow and joy. A spark of mirth from Atlantis danced beside his thoughts, as John remembered when he had told Rodney he could sense the Ancient City. 

It wasn’t communication as such, but more as if John and Atlantis were tuned in to each other. Rodney had been disbelieving at first, claiming there was no scientific evidence, and that he could sense nothing despite having the ATA gene therapy. But then a slightly jealous look had come on his face, and he had almost shyly asked John, ‘how does it feel?’ There was no good way to explain it, but knowing what it meant to Rodney, John had tried. 

The mere everyday presence of Rodney had been enough to make John happy, knowing there was someone who got him, really got him, without effort, or the tortuous need to talk about... stuff. He’d even been happy for Rodney when he got together with Keller; after all, he was still going to stay beside John, be a part of his team, be his friend. But when John had heard that Keller wasn’t planning on returning with the expedition... Something in him had broken.

John wanted to be angry at her too, though he was well aware his anger was unfounded—it wasn’t Keller’s fault that things had turned out the way they did, if nothing it was John’s for not doing anything until it was too late—but John still preferred anger to despair. And he had been angry a lot lately.

“Damn it,” John sighed and rolled out of bed. He went to drink a glass of water, then took a quick shower and tried to wash away the restlessness of his body before lying down once more on the wrinkled sheets.

John knew he should stop what he was doing, it was utter madness. What had driven him to such measures was beyond his comprehension, but there was no turning back anymore. Rodney was onto him, and after virtually ordering him to get to the bottom of things John was certain of getting caught. But it didn’t make any difference. He had seen something in Rodney’s eyes today, the smallest glimmer of hope that he was compelled to hang onto.

He couldn’t stop because he wasn’t ready to let go of Rodney yet.

Finally John drifted into a dreamless sleep that offered neither rest nor respite.

 

~~~

 

“John, you are not concentrating,” Teyla reprimanded him, but her tone was concerned. Lying breathless on the floor with her knee on his chest, John could hardly disagree. It was a position the morning’s training session had made very familiar. “It is not like you to be so distracted.” Teyla rose up and offered a hand to him. John took it and let her pull him up.

“Glad I’m training with you then, Ronon already bruised me up pretty good yesterday. Nice to be heading back soon so we can find him some Wraith to beat up instead of me,” John attempted to laugh the matter off as he walked over to the window, but judging by the sharp look Teyla gave him, she wasn’t buying it. John sat down on the window sill, and buried his face in a towel for a moment. Then he wiped the sweat off, and tossed it away. Teyla sat down next to him, appearing nearly as fresh as when they had started. John had been an easy opponent. 

“John,” Teyla began gently. “In the time I have known you I have seen you face many dangers, and none of them have made you as ill at ease as what is troubling you now.” 

John didn’t know how to even begin to explain, and didn’t want to lie to her, so he remained silent. He lowered his head, unable to look into her eyes; it felt like they had seen too much already. When had he become so easy to read?

“I know you care for him deeply, John.” He didn’t need to ask Teyla who she meant, nor whether she approved of the fact or not; he would never hear a word of judgment from her, and for that John was grateful. “The thought of being parted from him obviously pains you. It might seem easier to deal with things by doing so, but you cannot keep running from who you are, or how you feel.”

John knew that. He could handle jets, guns, spaceships and ugly life-sucking alien bastards—it was his job to—but John had never learnt to be as proficient in handling his emotions. He knew what he wanted to do, but the dark hours of his poorly slept night had made him doubt the rightness of acting on his desires.

“Do I have the right,” he finally asked quietly, “to force him to deal with this?” He curled his hands into fists, squeezing so hard it turned his knuckles white. “Do I have the right to ask him, or demand an answer?” 

Teyla laid her hands on his comfortingly, until John’s fingers relaxed, and asked in return: “Do you have the right to deny him the chance to give it?” John hadn’t thought of it that way. Glancing up at Teyla, he found her smiling, as warm and encouraging as only she could. “I consider you both to be dear friends to me, John, and it saddens me to think that you feel you should hide this from Rodney. I do not believe he would be offended by your affection, even if the depth of his feelings were not the same.”

Offended, no, John thought, but he’d probably be acutely embarrassed, incredibly uncomfortable and slightly horrified.

“You done talking yet?” Ronon suddenly asked from the doorway. John hadn’t noticed him arrive, but he sure as hell noticed the covertly inquisitive look Ronon gave Teyla.

“For our part, yes,” Teyla replied. “The rest will be up to them.”

“He knows?” John blurted out. He really needed to be more careful from now on. Lucky for John, Rodney was as socially awkward as he was, or Rodney might have connected the dots too.

“Actually, it was Ronon who directed my attention to the matter,” Teyla told him. “It seems there are things he is more perceptive of than others.” John glared at Ronon, who just grinned and strutted inside.

“Woolsey’s asking for you,” he announced, while getting ready to spar with Teyla in turn. “Said it’s urgent.”

“Better be going then,” John said, and stood up. Teyla rose too, and set her hands on his shoulders, leaning her head slightly forward. Following the Athosian custom, John did the same.

“Good luck, John,” Teyla said before stepping away. John nodded his thank you at her, and headed for his quarters. He needed a shower and a change, Woolsey would have to wait that long. And then he would find Rodney.

 

~~~

 

Rodney poked at his late breakfast absently, ate a mouthful and realized the food was already cold. So he dropped the fork and concentrated on his third mug of coffee. He’d barely slept, having spent half the night thinking about the list, and the other about Jennifer. Rodney missed her, and the way her more down-to-earth nature balanced Rodney’s tendency to worry too much.

They’d talked for hours, circling around the one subject they both were reluctant to approach. Finally she had carefully mentioned her reassignment; she’d been offered a position at a classified research laboratory handling alien technology. It was situated a short flight away from where her father lived, and would naturally love to welcome a scientist of Rodney’s caliber into its staff. He hadn’t agreed, but had not outright rejected the idea either; it was a frustrating compromise between the truth and a lie.

Another tray was set on the table, and Carson sat down across from Rodney. “Good mornin’ Rodney,” he greeted cheerfully. Rodney merely grunted his reply. “I see you’re as bright and happy as usual on this fine day,” Carson noted, clearly unperturbed by the sight of the tired and scruffy scientist, and turned his attention towards his food. Rodney sighed. Carson was a good friend, and deserved better.

“Good morning,” Rodney said and made the effort to not sound as tired as he was; it was rewarded with a wide smile. Carson obviously had no trouble sleeping. The infirmary must be fairly quiet these days; he’d be temporarily in charge, until Jennifer’s replacement arrived. For a moment Rodney wondered if Radek would be the one to take his place if he chose not to go, or if they would hire someone else. They’d be stupid not to pick Radek...

“So, have you decided yet?” Carson inquired between mouthfuls.

“Hmmm?” Rodney pulled himself out of his thoughts. He needed more coffee, and then he needed to find something to do, something to drown out the noises in his head.

“Where you’re going to live?” Carson clarified, with a hint of worry in his voice. After a few puzzled seconds Rodney’s brain caught on. Carson’s expression held a lot more than a hint of worry, and Rodney felt guilty about being the cause of it.

“Um, we haven’t really discussed it in detail yet,” he lied a bit sheepishly, knowing full well they had. Everyone seemed to assume Rodney’s announcement of staying behind was a mere formality. He had thought Carson knew him better.

“Well, I’m sure the two of you’ll be happy wherever you choose to make your home,” Carson said amicably, but the look in his eyes stayed the same; perhaps he was more aware of the situation than Rodney gave him credit for. Rodney wished he could have explained in detail, but he wasn’t yet ready to. How could he, when everything was still so confusing even to himself? But he couldn’t bear to keep lying to Carson, so he rose to make his exit.

“I have to go, things to repair and... you know.” It was the best his sleep deprived brain could produce at the moment.

He left before Carson could ask anything further, but still overheard his quiet, sad sigh.

 

~~~

 

“You wanted to see me?” John said as he stepped into Woolsey’s office, hair barely dry and his BDUs damp from being hurriedly thrown on while he was still wet. He hoped whatever Woolsey had to say would be short and to the point.

“Ah, Lt. Colonel Sheppard,” Woolsey smiled briefly and waved a hand at the seat in front of his desk. “Please, take a seat.”

“I think I’d rather stand, if you don’t mind,” John replied. He had a sneaking suspicion he wasn’t going to like what Woolsey had to say.

“As you wish,” Woolsey said, tilting his head slightly. Whether it was a sign of approval or displeasure, John had no idea. “I will not keep you long from your duties. I just wanted to inform you that I have reviewed Dr. Zelenka’s latest report on the repairs,” he explained, glancing at his computer, no doubt showing the report mentioned. “And considering the risk of exposing ourselves to the general public, I have—after discussing this with Stargate Command—decided that we are sufficiently ready to depart and will do so within the next 12 hours, the sooner the better.”

A dozen protests ran through John’s mind, but he knew none would be convincing enough to turn Woolsey’s head. And he understood the reasoning: they had already waited longer than was safe, Woolsey was thinking about what was best for Atlantis. It should have been John’s priority too, but right now even he questioned the fact.

“Are you planning to make a City-wide announcement?” he asked, keeping his voice calm.

“I was just about to, I just wanted to inform you first,” Woolsey replied matter-of-factly. “You are, after all, the military leader of Atlantis.” And if he suspected John of anything, none of it showed.

“Consider me informed,” John told him and turned to leave.

“One other thing,” Woolsey announced to his back, halting him. “All personnel who have chosen to stay Earthside are being evacuated as we speak. Dr. McKay has persistently refused to state his choice in the matter and has not yet signed his new contract. So if you see him, would you please advise him to do so as soon as possible, if he still wishes to continue with the expedition? As an important asset to the success of our journey I have given him some leeway in the matter, but even my patience has its limits.”

“Will do,” John managed to respond. He forced himself to walk until he was out of sight of everyone. Then he started to run. He needed to find Rodney, and he needed to find him fast.

 

~~~

 

“Ow, crap, ow, ow, ow!” Rodney shouted and yanked a hand away from the open wall panel, shaking it vigorously. The other still held the control crystal replacement he was about to install.

“Everything alright, Rodney?” Radek called out from around the corner, and hurried to the scene.

“Fine,” Rodney snapped, angry at his own carelessness more than anything else. “Just a small shock, static electricity must have built up on something.” The tips of his fingers stung a bit, but that would pass. 

His mind had been miles away, still circling around last night’s events; the list, John, Jennifer—his brain was working feverishly, but the more he tried to make sense of things, the more everything wound into a tangled mess that he didn’t know how to unravel. On top of it all, Woolsey had decided that they were ready enough to go, and would head out within 12 hours; everything that still required work was minor enough to be finished en route. It meant Rodney would run out of time even sooner.

“I think you should stop, Rodney,” Radek pleaded quietly. “You are clearly in no shape to do this. We can take it from here.” 

“It’s nothing,” Rodney replied tiredly, turning to face him and showing him the hand. “See? I said I’m—“

“It is not the hand that I am concerned about,” Radek sighed, and looked at Rodney with such worried eyes, “but your heart.” He stepped closer and placed his hands on Rodney’s shoulders. “What are you even doing here? We leave soon, we have only hours left, and I know you still haven’t made up your mind.” How Radek had come by such knowledge, Rodney didn’t know. “These repairs can wait; your future cannot.”

And that was the whole point, wasn’t it? After all they had gone through, after saving Earth, no matter what kind of contract they were under, they had all been given same choice: to return to Pegasus once Atlantis was ready, or stay behind and be relocated, or retired. Everyone else had already made theirs, except for Rodney; his heart was still torn in two.

Radek let go of him, and gently took the crystal from his hand. “Go,” he urged softly. “Take what time there is left and make your choice, before they make it for you. And whatever you decide, my friend,” Radek said almost imploringly, “make sure it is what you truly want. You will not be given a second chance.”

Rodney gave up resisting the inevitable. He nodded silently at Radek, muttered a quiet “Thank you,” then left him to his work and walked away. Halfway down the corridor, he discarded his radio, and took a heading that would lead him to the less populated areas of Atlantis. He needed some space for his thoughts.

He still had time, and Rodney would use it to the last minute if he had to. 

 

~~~

 

“Where the hell is he,” John growled as he ran out of the mess hall, another place that Rodney was _not_ in. No-one had seen him since he’d left Radek, and he hadn’t answered his radio either; eventually John had to accept the fact that it must be off, or Rodney wasn’t wearing it. People around the City were making preparations, time ticking away towards their launch.

John ran back to Rodney’s quarters to check if he had returned and turned the corner just in time to see Jennifer step inside. And if she was here... Maybe John had lost already. 

Yet he couldn’t give up. He still had one chance, and that would be when—and he had to believe it was ‘when’ and not ‘if’—Rodney finally connected the dots and sought out the one place John would be in. He still had time, and John would wait for him, until the very last minute.

 

~~~

 

Rodney’s feet wandered the dimly lit hallways of Atlantis, as his mind wandered around the decision he was facing. The hour of leaving Atlantis was getting closer.

Rodney loved Jennifer, he really did, so why did the thought of living out the rest of his days with her on Earth leave him so damn restless and anxious?

“Because she’s not the only one you love, you idiot,” he answered to himself out loud. There was no point in trying to deny it anymore. His feet stopped, and Rodney rested his hand against the cool surface of Atlantis, seeking solace in its stability; he wished he could hear and feel it like John did. He loved the City, the people in it, and how they had changed him; this was home. And he loved John.

Rodney had no real notion as to when it had happened, but somewhere along the line he had fallen for John Sheppard, and fallen hard; for every annoying, irritating, intriguing, strong, smart, awkward, endearing and beautiful aspect of him. But he had always believed that he had less than a snowball’s chance in hell of having his feelings returned.

It had been enough just to be near John, and Rodney had been happy to call him a friend. And then he had been lucky enough to have someone like Jennifer fall in love with him. But what had been his downfall was holding on to the childish belief that things would remain as they were, and that he wouldn’t have to choose between them.

“So what, you’re just going to abandon everything you have with her?” he shouted at the walls, the echoes of his angry voice filling the silence for a moment. Would he really be willing to give up what he had, to be able to stay in Atlantis, to be near John? Rodney didn’t yet have the answer. So he stubbornly ordered his legs to move, and his feet carried him forward. He still had time.

 

~~~

 

Standing next to the console in the middle of the room, the cold metal warming in his grip, John waited. The closest he’d ever come to uttering a prayer passed John’s lips.

“Come and find me, Rodney. Come and find _me_.”

 

~~~

 

When he finally returned to his quarters, Rodney found the lights on, and Jennifer waiting for him.

“Hey there,” she welcomed him softly, sitting on the edge of Rodney’s bed. She looked like she hadn’t slept at all since they had talked.

“You’re here, why are you here?” Rodney blurted out, feeling oddly stuck in the doorway. Jennifer got up and crossed the short distance between them.

“I needed to see you,” she told him, as she took his hands and gently pulled him inside. The door closed behind him, and Rodney leaned against it, trying to gather himself. Jennifer lifted her hand to his cheek, and stroked it lightly.

“Oh, Rodney,” she almost whispered, as a single tear ran down her face. Then she kissed Rodney, conveying without words all the longing in her heart, and Rodney responded in kind. He almost wished it would have been enough to change his mind.

“Jennifer—“ Rodney started resolutely when they parted, but Jennifer interrupted.

“Rodney, I know,” she said, and looking into her eyes Rodney saw exactly what she meant, and had no doubts that she truly did. Her hand slid to rest above Rodney’s heart, and even though she looked on the verge of crying, she didn’t. “You’re leaving with Atlantis.”

“Jen, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry...” was all he could say, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her close, holding her tight, knowing this would probably be the last time he would do so. It had been the hardest decision he had ever had to make, but it was the right one.

“I know you are, Rodney,” she told him wistfully, but with only a trace of resentment in her voice. It only made Rodney feel twice the bastard.

“I really thought for a while that this was what I wanted out of life,” he said quietly. No explanation would ever be good enough, but he owed it to her to try. “You by my side, an ordinary life together in a big house, perhaps with some cats, children might be an option too.” Jennifer laughed shortly at that. “And not living under the constant threat of death, that part would really have been really, really nice.”

Jennifer lifted her head to look up at him. “Meredith Rodney McKay,” she announced with determination. “You were _never_ meant to live an ordinary life.” And it was her way of saying that though it would hurt, she would let him go.

“I love you,” he told her, almost managing to keep his voice from breaking.

“I know,” Jennifer replied, smiling briefly. “Just not enough to stay. And don’t you dare apologize for that,” she added sternly. “I’m not sorry for falling in love with you, nor should you be.” Rodney loved her more then, than he ever had. Still, it wouldn’t be enough. 

“But I can’t go back with you, Rodney. I’m just not cut out for life out there, like the rest of you are,” Jennifer confessed, and it was obvious she hadn’t made her choice lightly either. “My place is here on Earth. I could ask you to stay—and you might even do it, thinking it’s the right thing to do,” she looked hopeful for a moment, but tiredness returned soon. “But you would regret it. And in the end I’d rather be miserable for a while without you, than for a lifetime with you.”

“Can I at least say that I deeply regret all the pain I’ve caused you?” Rodney asked. “And if it’s any consolation, this hurts like hell already.”

“Well I consider it only fair that you should suffer terribly, oh, for about a year, minimum,” Jennifer said, only half joking. “I’d like to think that it’ll take at least that long to completely get over me.”

“I will never forget you,” Rodney said, and he meant it. Jennifer smiled at him, but Rodney could see she was barely holding it together and already wanted to leave.

“I should be going.” She took a step back, and Rodney shivered at the loss of her warmth. “I just wanted to...” her voice faltered slightly, “say goodbye.” She waved her hand over the panel, and the door opened. Rodney moved aside and let her pass, when something clicked in his head. He cursed his inconsiderate mouth for speaking, but couldn’t stop it in time.

“Wait, was that a Star Wars reference back there? Does that make me—”

“Well you did rescue me from being frozen to death,” Jennifer cut him off, laughing a little. “And for that, you will always be my hero.” she said and placed a gentle kiss on Rodney’s cheek. “Goodbye, Rodney,” she whispered, and stepped out.

“Goodbye, Jen.” Rodney followed her with his eyes until she disappeared behind a corner. Then he closed the door, and slowly fell down to sit on the floor as waves of both sadness and relief washed over him. Part of him wanted to run after her, but everything else cried for John. Rodney needed to find him; he needed to tell John the truth.

Because he had realized that it wouldn’t matter if John didn’t love him—Atlantis was where Rodney belonged, and here he would stay no matter what—but he would refuse to waste any more time with fantasies and lies.

His hand reached for the radio, but found nothing. It was still lying in the hallway where he had left it. Radek had hopefully picked it up after finishing the repairs on the auxiliary power distribution center. Rodney recalled it being one of the suspicious items on his list.

Maybe it was the elation of being released from a long carried burden, or the fact that Rodney’s mind had a very unique and efficient way of redistributing processing power no longer needed for problems already solved, but suddenly another pattern began to take shape. He scrambled up, swaying on legs worn-out from walking.

Rodney had been too busy staring at one list to realize he should have made another. Whoever was responsible for the secretive sabotage had to be smart, cunning, stealthy, have intimate knowledge of Atlantis’ systems, know the location of the damaged sections and which of those would be unguarded at a certain time—and above all, be someone who would rather die than let anything happen to the people they shared the City with. And be crazy enough to even consider going through with the whole thing.

The list was exceedingly short.

“John?” he whispered, bewildered.

It didn’t make any sense, but it was the only conclusion. For whatever insane reason, John had been the one delaying their departure. But right now Rodney didn’t need to understand the _why_ —he just desperately needed to know the _where_. And finally having all the pieces to the puzzle, it didn’t take him long to figure it out.

After a quick detour to Woolsey’s office and scribbling his mark on the contract, Rodney ran, following his brains, his gut, and his heart.

 

~~~

 

John leaned his back against the wall and let the subtle whispering of Atlantis fill his mind. If he could have put a word to how the City felt, he would have chosen ‘exhilarated’. Perhaps it was picking up on the feelings of the people populating it, getting finally ready to embark on their voyage, to start a new adventure. John couldn’t help but feel a little excited himself at the prospect of being back in space. He already ached for a chance to take a puddlejumper out into the stars. But it would never be the same without Rodney.

John waited, and time crept on, each minute eating away at him, and the hollow feeling in his chest grew. When the door finally opened with a soft sound, John half-expected it to be someone coming to tell him they were already on their way, and he would have lost Rodney forever.

Until he heard a familiar voice call out his name.

“John?” Rodney just stood in the doorway, wheezing like he had just run a marathon. Yet he was smiling like crazy. Then he frowned. 

“A spanner, John, seriously?” It obviously wasn’t what Rodney had intended to say, but he clearly couldn’t help himself. “ _That_ was your implement of choice?” And it was so ridiculously Rodney that for a moment John forgot everything else, and just felt happy to have Rodney there, like nothing would ever change between them.

John glanced at the hefty spanner his hand, and then swung it once through the air. “Easy to transport, and does the job,” he noted almost smugly. Rodney rolled his eyes and sighed, and John chuckled. The spanner had indeed worked perfectly, though this time John had dragged it along merely for the sake of having something to hold in his nervous hands. 

“Heaven forbid anyone should ever even _consider_ anything more subtle,” Rodney muttered under his breath. Then he seemed to remember there was something else he should be doing instead of berating John for his misguided usage of tools. A few steps were all it took to bring him up to John, where he stood uncharacteristically speechless, nervously staring at John.

Reality returned with one look into those brilliant blue eyes, and the unvoiced question burning within them. John had had everything figured out up till now; it was the point of no return where you risked everything, or gave up. He didn’t hesitate.

“Rodney, I know this must seem a bit odd—“

“If by odd you mean completely insane, then yes, you’re right.”

“—but I can explain—”

“I really wish you would,” and at that point Rodney’s voice faltered. “Because all the explanations I came up with made no sense to me.”

“Makes no sense to me either,” John said, and then he just got tired of even trying to.

The spanner fell with a loud clang that echoed off the walls as John reached out to cradle Rodney’s head, and then his mouth was on Rodney’s—gentle, desperate, lingering; he poured everything he wanted to say into a single kiss. And when Rodney let out a small whimper and kissed him back, it filled John with such uncontainable joy that it took his breath away. He had to pull back to get some air, and look at Rodney again.

“You’re crazy, certifiable,” Rodney gasped, flushed and smiling so happily. “And now can we please skip all the awkward bits and go straight for the part where I say I love you, because obviously you at least like to kiss me, and if my hypothesis about the motives for your recent behaviour are anywhere near correct, you also—“

John shut him up with another kiss. It lasted longer, and it was familiar and new at the same time; the way Rodney’s mouth fit his, how his tongue pushed in to find John’s, the alternation of gentle tasting, rough biting, and slow exploring—it was perfect. Rodney grabbed John’s hips and pulled him closer, a low moan starting from his throat and ending up as sweet vibration on John’s lips. John wanted to kiss him forever, but reluctantly tore himself away, because there was something he had to do. Still holding Rodney’s face John looked straight into his eyes, so bright and blue, and gathered his courage.

“I love you too,” he whispered, hardly getting the words out of his mouth. But Rodney heard him, and he crushed John into a hug, laying his head on John’s shoulder. Wrapping his arms around Rodney, John soaked in the warmth of him and tried to convince himself that he wasn’t dreaming, and that from now on he could hold Rodney like this for the rest of his life. Atlantis hummed in his head, a melody of contentment and joy.

“I don’t know about you,” Rodney sighed eventually, his breath on John’s neck a thing of pleasure in itself, making John smile. “But I’m exhausted. I could sleep for a year.”

“Yeah, me too,” John agreed, the stress of the last few months seeping out of his bones, draining him of his restless energy. “We’ll take your bed, it’s bigger.”

 

~~~

 

A discordant tremor woke John up from his slumber.

“Give them a break,” he said quietly, “they’re doing the best they can, and I need to sleep.” Atlantis protested, but only briefly. There was a side note of amusement in its sound. Soon the tremor subsided, much to John’s relief. He didn’t know who was sitting in the chair now, getting ready to guide them towards their destination, but John could feel that after the bumpy start they were getting the hang of things. Atlantis might even learn to like them.

John had flown Atlantis into orbit. Being the one with the strongest ATA gene, John hadn’t had much choice but to take the chair, even if he had felt like keeling over. Rodney had stood beside John as Atlantis had thrummed and vibrated under him, fighting to slowly escape Earth’s gravity. John couldn’t have been happier at the sensation. They were finally on their way, and they were together. Afterwards he’d told Woolsey to get someone else to take the reigns, or hang around Earth while he slept.

Something resembling fondness softly stroked John’s mind. Then the hyperdrive engaged, and Atlantis sang.

Rodney stirred in his sleep. He inched closer to John, snuggling tighter against him and shivering a little. John pulled the covers higher over him. Rodney’s hand crawled out to hold John’s, their fingers finding their place among one another.

“I can hear it,” Rodney whispered, and he sounded surprised, but happy. “I can hear Atlantis. It’s... indescribable.” 

“Yeah,” John said quietly, and smiled. “Go back to sleep, early start tomorrow.”

“Woolsey and his damn meetings,” Rodney grumbled, but his voice was already drowsy. After a moment John heard his breath even out to a sleepy rhythm.

John stayed awake for a while, listening to Atlantis sing vibrantly and gloriously, and he felt it with every part of his being. And he felt Rodney; every inch of his skin that touched John’s, the beat of his heart against John’s side—and his presence that filled John’s world and made him whole. He fell asleep with the thought that he’d get to wake up next to a habitually grumpy caffeine addict for all his foreseeable mornings to come, and John would cherish each and every one of them.

 

~~~ End ~~~

 

 


End file.
